To be in television, you need a concept. How about 'MacGyver doing cooking'? MacGyver, if you remember, was a show in which the hero got out of life-threatening situations by using whatever was at hand - making a bomb de-fuser out of a pocket comb, a broken casette player, and thirty-five cents, for instance. (Never mind that they already have this and it's called 'Iron Chef') "You have all the ingredients needed to make a cake and . . . an octopus! Go!"
You work for a while, and the result, of course, is Octopus Cake. Which is fine (for someone else) until you discover that some dumbass somewhere really eats Octopus Cake. Then you have to apologize. And probably, you've offended his (ridiculous) Octopus Cake -eating culture, so you'd have to go to Octopus Cake Sensitivity Training.
Octopus Cake Sensitivity Training? WTF?
THAT'S why I'm not in television.
31 December 2006
24 December 2006
Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot!!
I've become something of a fan of YouTube, a website where people can post video clips. There doesn't seem to be alot of regard for copyrights - movie clips and commercial music videos are some of their wares. The service is totally free (to watch anyway - I'm not sure how posting works). There's a fair bit of unusual, eyebrow-raising, and just obscene content, but you are (usually) warned beforehand and given a chance to okay or dismiss the clip before it plays.
I found a real treasure from my childhood - it is a show I was calling Giant Robot. The show was Japanese, and was shown in the US with a (barely-)English soundtrack. It's about a little kid that gets put in charge of a giant robot, whom he controls by speaking into a wristwatch microphone. The robot has jet engines strapped to his back so he can fly, and missiles that load into his fingertips to look like fingernails before he launches them. (Note the groovy 'arm flipping' he does to load his missiles). He's also armed with some kind of sonic wave / heat ray / laser that comes out of his eyes, and a flamethrower that comes out of his head and aims at nothing in particular. Anyway, boy and robot square off against an assortment of giant monsters and aliens - the whole thing is very 50's Godzilla. Oh, and the best part - the evil alien leader (who crash-landed on Earth and just decided to conquer it while he was here) - was a squid-headed guy that scared me to DEATH when I was 8.
The show's correct title is 'Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot'
This link is for a spanish posting that shows a short 1:15 minute clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1tbt-jML_s
Funny to find a childhood memory after all these years.
I found a real treasure from my childhood - it is a show I was calling Giant Robot. The show was Japanese, and was shown in the US with a (barely-)English soundtrack. It's about a little kid that gets put in charge of a giant robot, whom he controls by speaking into a wristwatch microphone. The robot has jet engines strapped to his back so he can fly, and missiles that load into his fingertips to look like fingernails before he launches them. (Note the groovy 'arm flipping' he does to load his missiles). He's also armed with some kind of sonic wave / heat ray / laser that comes out of his eyes, and a flamethrower that comes out of his head and aims at nothing in particular. Anyway, boy and robot square off against an assortment of giant monsters and aliens - the whole thing is very 50's Godzilla. Oh, and the best part - the evil alien leader (who crash-landed on Earth and just decided to conquer it while he was here) - was a squid-headed guy that scared me to DEATH when I was 8.
The show's correct title is 'Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot'
This link is for a spanish posting that shows a short 1:15 minute clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1tbt-jML_s
Funny to find a childhood memory after all these years.
23 December 2006
Cleanup
I've run out of things to do.
I must have, because my latest good idea is to take the several backup CDs I have, put them all on my hard drive, and then go through and delete the duplicate files. There are 7 CDs now. I may have missed a couple, but I don't really think so.
Oh, it's important to note that these are NOT MP3s. Music is seperate. This is all the treasures I've saved in the last . . . probably 6 years, that are not music.
And, let's note, that I have expanded out the archive files as far as is logical. For instance, if there's a .zip that's a collection of old documents, I expanded that out into its component folders. But if there's a .zip that's a downloaded program (like the 80's game Wasteland that is so rare I backed up the CD wholesale as soon as I got it) I kept it as a zip. There aren't many of those (besides Wasteland) because downloading is so easy with our DSL. You can go download a program in the time it takes to find a CD and unpack the archive.
So, this is all John's non-music files since 2000, expanded out as far as is logical.
I did a Properties once I got things unpacked: 1.90 GB
1.90 GB? Everything I treasured enough to back up . . in 6 years? Not only that, but there are alot of copies of copies of copies - just drag things that look important and drop them onto a blank CD. CDs are cheap, so if in doubt, back it up.
1.90 GB is not even 4 CDs of material. It's only 1/4 of the hard drive space I had in my Pentium II!! And it's not even that much if alot of it is duplicates.
Okay, so this doesn't count music, and I don't generally back up email, although there is some on here.
All my digital life is just . . this.
*ponder*
I must have, because my latest good idea is to take the several backup CDs I have, put them all on my hard drive, and then go through and delete the duplicate files. There are 7 CDs now. I may have missed a couple, but I don't really think so.
Oh, it's important to note that these are NOT MP3s. Music is seperate. This is all the treasures I've saved in the last . . . probably 6 years, that are not music.
And, let's note, that I have expanded out the archive files as far as is logical. For instance, if there's a .zip that's a collection of old documents, I expanded that out into its component folders. But if there's a .zip that's a downloaded program (like the 80's game Wasteland that is so rare I backed up the CD wholesale as soon as I got it) I kept it as a zip. There aren't many of those (besides Wasteland) because downloading is so easy with our DSL. You can go download a program in the time it takes to find a CD and unpack the archive.
So, this is all John's non-music files since 2000, expanded out as far as is logical.
I did a Properties once I got things unpacked: 1.90 GB
1.90 GB? Everything I treasured enough to back up . . in 6 years? Not only that, but there are alot of copies of copies of copies - just drag things that look important and drop them onto a blank CD. CDs are cheap, so if in doubt, back it up.
1.90 GB is not even 4 CDs of material. It's only 1/4 of the hard drive space I had in my Pentium II!! And it's not even that much if alot of it is duplicates.
Okay, so this doesn't count music, and I don't generally back up email, although there is some on here.
All my digital life is just . . this.
*ponder*
22 December 2006
The "Can't Help Its"
My "can't help its" are much better today. I've managed to read a bit online and study my tarot cards while we were at the library. I even wrapped all the Christmas prezzies for John and his parents. I tried reading the Victorian Romantic Tarot book and faltered after about four lines -- things are better today, but they aren't great!
21 December 2006
Boredom ... And Beyond!
I have a really bad case of what we affectionately refer to as the "can't help its". I've checked my email dozens of times today. Yes, I said dozens! I've checked my Yahoo groups; I've checked Aeclectic Tarot. I've been to the post office, to Starbucks, to Sizzler, to Barnes & Noble, and to the local library. I've tried to read three times and I've tried to study my tarot cards twice. I've talked to my mother on the phone. And I've done all this in less than eight hours.
I am supremely distractable today. I can barely sit still long enough to type this. I've taken my meds today, so I'm not sure what's going on, but something sure is! Often times when I'm like this, it's because there is something that I'm specifically wanting to do, but for some reason can't. Like it's not practical or involves other people who aren't available. But I can't think of anything like that today. Heck, I can't think about one thing long enough to want to do anything, that's part of my problem.
Any suggestions?
I am supremely distractable today. I can barely sit still long enough to type this. I've taken my meds today, so I'm not sure what's going on, but something sure is! Often times when I'm like this, it's because there is something that I'm specifically wanting to do, but for some reason can't. Like it's not practical or involves other people who aren't available. But I can't think of anything like that today. Heck, I can't think about one thing long enough to want to do anything, that's part of my problem.
Any suggestions?
20 December 2006
from Awakening the Power of a Modern God
Excerpted from the audio CD Awakening the Power of a Modern God by Gregg Braden
"Between 1993 and the year 2000, scientists documented evidence of a field of energy, a previously undiscovered field of energy, and they said that this field is described in three ways: They said, first of all, the field is everywhere all of the time. Second, is that the field apparently has been here from the time of the very beginning, the time that we call the big bang in the theories of physics and the third is that this field has an intelligence. The field responds to very specific qualities of human emotion. This field is so new that as of yet scientists have not come to a consensus in terms of what this field should be called. Some are calling it very technical names such as "the quantum hologram", while others, such as former Apollo astronaut Dr. Edgar Mitchell, called the field "the nature's mind." In some of his more recent works, Stephen Hawkings is actually calling this field "the mind of God." Well, the field is now recognized as a conduit; it's this field that carries what we create with in our bodies -- our thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, the anger, the hate, the rage, the joy, the love, the compassion, our prayers, all the things that we've become from within -- it is this field that carries it into the world beyond our bodies. One of the keys to understanding why this field, the mind of God, is so important is because it is now being described as a holographic field. A brief definition of a hologram simply suggests that it is a pattern in nature where every piece of the pattern holds all the information to reproduce the whole once again."
I originally heard this as an "inspirational moment" on HayHouseRadio; I know the point was to tease me and get me interested enough to buy the CD -- and it's working! To me, this is really exciting! I'm recently coming to believe that God isn't an old man sitting on a throne some where in the sky, but rather the field of energy that holds the Universe together. What Braden is saying echoes what I'm already coming to believe in my own my mind -- and science in backing me up.
"Between 1993 and the year 2000, scientists documented evidence of a field of energy, a previously undiscovered field of energy, and they said that this field is described in three ways: They said, first of all, the field is everywhere all of the time. Second, is that the field apparently has been here from the time of the very beginning, the time that we call the big bang in the theories of physics and the third is that this field has an intelligence. The field responds to very specific qualities of human emotion. This field is so new that as of yet scientists have not come to a consensus in terms of what this field should be called. Some are calling it very technical names such as "the quantum hologram", while others, such as former Apollo astronaut Dr. Edgar Mitchell, called the field "the nature's mind." In some of his more recent works, Stephen Hawkings is actually calling this field "the mind of God." Well, the field is now recognized as a conduit; it's this field that carries what we create with in our bodies -- our thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, the anger, the hate, the rage, the joy, the love, the compassion, our prayers, all the things that we've become from within -- it is this field that carries it into the world beyond our bodies. One of the keys to understanding why this field, the mind of God, is so important is because it is now being described as a holographic field. A brief definition of a hologram simply suggests that it is a pattern in nature where every piece of the pattern holds all the information to reproduce the whole once again."
I originally heard this as an "inspirational moment" on HayHouseRadio; I know the point was to tease me and get me interested enough to buy the CD -- and it's working! To me, this is really exciting! I'm recently coming to believe that God isn't an old man sitting on a throne some where in the sky, but rather the field of energy that holds the Universe together. What Braden is saying echoes what I'm already coming to believe in my own my mind -- and science in backing me up.
Microsoft, Google and Blogger.com: "I Hate You Each, I Hate You All"
(Subject line is a play on LA mayor Villareconquista's address to huge gathering of illegal aliens, in which he said, "I love you each . . I love you all.")
I sat down at my computer this morning ready to blog. It had been a long time and I had several humorous things to write. I was eager to jump in.
I went to blogger.com. It gave me the choice of logging in with my old Blogger account, or a new G-Mail account. Blogger has recently broken their service so you have to use G-Mail. Excuse me, that's UPGRADED their service.
I hate G-Mail.
G-Mail's big feature is that you can - or rather, you don't have a choice to NOT - group e-mails in 'conversations' like threads in a newsgroup. It's a feature that is neither interesting nor useful to me. I guess I'm not in G-Mail's demographic.
I learned about G-Mail from my friend Karl. That was back when you had to be invited by someone before you could have an account. Karl loves G-Mail and has used it ever since. I like Karl fine, but I don't care at all about G-Mail.
So, obviously, I chose to log in with my trusty old Blogger account.
It wouldn't let me log in. The blog had already been switched over to the new G-Mail format, so I HAD to have an account on G-Mail before I got on. In fact, the sole puprose of the old-account-login now seems to be to show you the things you can't get to anymore.
So I off I go to G-Mail. A few minutes later, I have my account. I haven't blogged anything yet, but I have a G-Mail account I don't want.
I get back to blogger.com, and put in my G-Mail address and password.
It takes a loonngg time . . . almost three minutes . . I'm still staring at a title bar, a blanked-out kinda cream-colored window, and a progress bar. After another minute or so, it comes back with some generic error. But wait, my wife's been blogging all morning. I want to play!
My wife offers to log in with my name and password on her computer. I let her, and it comes up with a screen saying service is temporarily unavailable. I am more impressed with Blogger than ever. Not.
I give up, and bring up my favorite text editor and type my blog entries into it before I forget them. No, wait - I reformatted and reinstalled on my computer last night, so the text editor isn't there yet. I grab my CD of favorite apps, install the text editor, THEN type in my entries. I now have an email account I don't want, a newly installed text editor I do want, a couple of saved files on my desktop, but no blogging.
After I finish typing my entries. I come over to my wife's computer. After all she's been blogging all morning. I enter my G-Mail address and password, and . . it logs me right in.
^#$@&$!!
I go back to my computer. Try to log into blogger again. It takes my G-Mail name and password, and . . . and . . . a title bar, a blanked-out kinda cream-colored window, and a progress bar.
I go back to Cindy's computer. Exit blogger, come back in, and . . . it logs me right in.
Clearly, my browser is out of date. I reinstalled, using Windows Update LAST NIGHT, but never mind that. I go to Microsoft's webbages and try to download the newest IE, figuring I'd one-up everyone, get the newest thing, and be able to blog. The Microsoft website says the new IE is for XP. I am running 2000 Pro.
I can't even blog on my own computer!!! I came over to Cindy's computer and did my blogging there, copying over the two files from mine and writing this sitting at her desk.
So, are we all enjoying the new Blogger.com?
I sat down at my computer this morning ready to blog. It had been a long time and I had several humorous things to write. I was eager to jump in.
I went to blogger.com. It gave me the choice of logging in with my old Blogger account, or a new G-Mail account. Blogger has recently broken their service so you have to use G-Mail. Excuse me, that's UPGRADED their service.
I hate G-Mail.
G-Mail's big feature is that you can - or rather, you don't have a choice to NOT - group e-mails in 'conversations' like threads in a newsgroup. It's a feature that is neither interesting nor useful to me. I guess I'm not in G-Mail's demographic.
I learned about G-Mail from my friend Karl. That was back when you had to be invited by someone before you could have an account. Karl loves G-Mail and has used it ever since. I like Karl fine, but I don't care at all about G-Mail.
So, obviously, I chose to log in with my trusty old Blogger account.
It wouldn't let me log in. The blog had already been switched over to the new G-Mail format, so I HAD to have an account on G-Mail before I got on. In fact, the sole puprose of the old-account-login now seems to be to show you the things you can't get to anymore.
So I off I go to G-Mail. A few minutes later, I have my account. I haven't blogged anything yet, but I have a G-Mail account I don't want.
I get back to blogger.com, and put in my G-Mail address and password.
It takes a loonngg time . . . almost three minutes . . I'm still staring at a title bar, a blanked-out kinda cream-colored window, and a progress bar. After another minute or so, it comes back with some generic error. But wait, my wife's been blogging all morning. I want to play!
My wife offers to log in with my name and password on her computer. I let her, and it comes up with a screen saying service is temporarily unavailable. I am more impressed with Blogger than ever. Not.
I give up, and bring up my favorite text editor and type my blog entries into it before I forget them. No, wait - I reformatted and reinstalled on my computer last night, so the text editor isn't there yet. I grab my CD of favorite apps, install the text editor, THEN type in my entries. I now have an email account I don't want, a newly installed text editor I do want, a couple of saved files on my desktop, but no blogging.
After I finish typing my entries. I come over to my wife's computer. After all she's been blogging all morning. I enter my G-Mail address and password, and . . it logs me right in.
^#$@&$!!
I go back to my computer. Try to log into blogger again. It takes my G-Mail name and password, and . . . and . . . a title bar, a blanked-out kinda cream-colored window, and a progress bar.
I go back to Cindy's computer. Exit blogger, come back in, and . . . it logs me right in.
Clearly, my browser is out of date. I reinstalled, using Windows Update LAST NIGHT, but never mind that. I go to Microsoft's webbages and try to download the newest IE, figuring I'd one-up everyone, get the newest thing, and be able to blog. The Microsoft website says the new IE is for XP. I am running 2000 Pro.
I can't even blog on my own computer!!! I came over to Cindy's computer and did my blogging there, copying over the two files from mine and writing this sitting at her desk.
So, are we all enjoying the new Blogger.com?
Reading Between The Lines
Twice in recent days I've found myself using some form of the phrase 'so nice to see you again' to a woman I barely know. I thought I'd provide a translation.
What A guys says,
What a guy means
"So nice to see you again"
"You're hot. It's nice to see you again."
"I've missed you so much!"
"I was only sorta missing you, then I remembered that you're hot."
"I saw something in the mall that reminded me of you"
"I saw something in the mall and it reminded me of how you're hot."
"Hope I see you again soon!"
"I hope I see you again and you're still as hot as you are now."
I hope these two ladies heard what I meant.
What A guys says,
What a guy means
"So nice to see you again"
"You're hot. It's nice to see you again."
"I've missed you so much!"
"I was only sorta missing you, then I remembered that you're hot."
"I saw something in the mall that reminded me of you"
"I saw something in the mall and it reminded me of how you're hot."
"Hope I see you again soon!"
"I hope I see you again and you're still as hot as you are now."
I hope these two ladies heard what I meant.
Discipline!
I came in and found our cat Frankie somewhere he's not supposed to be.
"Hey, Frankie, you're not 'posed to be up there"
He went on with what he was doing.
*Whistling softly to get his attention* "Come on, dude, not up there."
No response.
Shaking his tail gently "Come on . . . not up here"
Still no response.
"Okay, have fun!"
We're so unreasonable.
"Hey, Frankie, you're not 'posed to be up there"
He went on with what he was doing.
*Whistling softly to get his attention* "Come on, dude, not up there."
No response.
Shaking his tail gently "Come on . . . not up here"
Still no response.
"Okay, have fun!"
We're so unreasonable.
19 December 2006
The Bipolar Handbook
When I first saw the title of The Bipolar Handbook by Wes Burgess, I thought "Oh great, a book on how to be Bipolar!" A little tongue-in-cheek, I know, but I've read several books on Bipolar Disorder and some are better than others. I don't need a book that is going to help me be Bipolar -- I do that well enough by myself! -- I need a book that is going to help me live successfully anyway. I think I've found the book.
Written in an easy to follow, question & answer format, this book takes a couple of unorthodox approaches. For one thing, Burgess considers bipolar depression to be a different animal than unipolar depression. He teaches that it shouldn't be treated with anti-depressants, but with mood stabilizers and atypical anti-psychotics. Burgess contends that anti-depressants actually contribute to the cycling in and out of mania. He also says that successfully treating bipolar disorder should successfully treat anxiety, too (something I struggle constantly with).
There are also sections on interpersonal relationships, getting along at work, the difference in the tons of meds that may be prescribed, and national and internet resources. I've learned a lot about myself and my disorder through this book. I've learned that what I previously thought were character defects -- anxiety, procrastination, my need for sleep -- are actually characteristics of my disorder. In fact, it seemed as though the whole first chapter was written just for me. I kept taking the book into the office and interrupting my husband, John, saying, "Honey, listen to this!" or "Does this remind you of anyone we know? (meaning me)" and reading paragraphs at a time to him. Now, he's reading it for himself, in an effort to know my situation better.
If you have trouble with a mood disorder or if you know someone who does, get this book. It will help you understand the disorder much better.
Written in an easy to follow, question & answer format, this book takes a couple of unorthodox approaches. For one thing, Burgess considers bipolar depression to be a different animal than unipolar depression. He teaches that it shouldn't be treated with anti-depressants, but with mood stabilizers and atypical anti-psychotics. Burgess contends that anti-depressants actually contribute to the cycling in and out of mania. He also says that successfully treating bipolar disorder should successfully treat anxiety, too (something I struggle constantly with).
There are also sections on interpersonal relationships, getting along at work, the difference in the tons of meds that may be prescribed, and national and internet resources. I've learned a lot about myself and my disorder through this book. I've learned that what I previously thought were character defects -- anxiety, procrastination, my need for sleep -- are actually characteristics of my disorder. In fact, it seemed as though the whole first chapter was written just for me. I kept taking the book into the office and interrupting my husband, John, saying, "Honey, listen to this!" or "Does this remind you of anyone we know? (meaning me)" and reading paragraphs at a time to him. Now, he's reading it for himself, in an effort to know my situation better.
If you have trouble with a mood disorder or if you know someone who does, get this book. It will help you understand the disorder much better.
16 December 2006
What Animal Were You In A Past Life?
| You Were a Mouse |
 You quietly examine life's lessons and see multiple meanings in things. You are also good at discovering details and remaining in the background. |
It's Been A Long Time, I Know
It's been a long time since either John or I posted. Life has been happening to us. Since I last posted, my oldest brother has made his transition. That was in September, and it was quite a shock. For the first month, I did okay with it. I stayed in Arkansas for over a month with my mother. The point was to support her, but the time supported me, too. I did better in that month than I've done in a long time. Emotionally, I was pretty level, health wise, I was great; my blood-sugars were in the normal range. I was strong and supportive.
Then I got home. John was gone to school for the National Guard, and I guess I needed him more than I realized. Anyway, I kind of...ummm, fell apart. Of course, I'm also still dealing with the loss of my father in February. The stress of the combined losses was more than I could deal with. So, I had one of my bipolar moments. I went off my meds and got a little crazy. Suicidal thoughts and morbid ideations about my precious little kitties. I wasn't seeing my therapist or my psychiatrist, the two people who were most qualified to help me. I totally isolated myself from the people who care about me. It was a pretty rough time.
I couldn't leave the house, yet I couldn't stay at home in this empty apartment. I would sit for hours at a time at Barnes & Noble, trying to read but not having the concentration to get into anything. I would sometimes take my tarot cards and study them, and that seemed to work for me. I would panic, literally, whenever anyone looked as though they were going to approach me for conversation. Then, I'd eventually come home and panic again. There is a spot on the street I live on that causes me to panic, even still. I don't identify that spot as scary; there is nothing particularly ominous about the houses on my street. Back then, my panic had to do with my babies, our cats. I would have these very vivid pictures of what had happened to Frankie, B'Orange and Nana while I was gone. It's irrational, I know -- I knew it then, on one level -- but I would stand there with my key in the door, not turning it. I was too scared to go in the house, so I'd stand there for several moments with these vivid pictures going through my mind. My fear was that someone had broken into our apartment and violently killed our cats while I was gone. Not stole our stereo, no concern about that. No concern about the computers that sit in our office. Just fear about the cats.
As I say, things are much better now. I'm still sleeping much more than I usually do, and I'm taking my meds sporatically. But much better than I was before. This last episode was a real wake-up call for me. Had I been working, I would have no-doubt lost my job. It's hard to work when you don't have the energy to get out of bed. It's hard to work when you can't leave the house or interact with people. So, I've decided to apply for Social Security Disability. It was a very hard decision for me to make. It feels as though I'm giving in to this disease and letting it win. But it's obvious to me that I couldn't have worked through this last episode. And it's my understanding that this disorder usually gets progressively worse, not better.
So, how do I reconcile Law of Attraction and an application for disability? I'm not sure. A lot of people will probably say that I'm limiting the Universe by stating how money should come to me. But you know, I can only intend for what I believe can come to me. Maybe some people can believe that they can be in my position and attract an income without working or without being on disability. I'm just not there yet; I hope to get there some day. And maybe some people can believe that they can manifest healing in their lives so that they could go back to work. Again, I'm just not there yet. I just don't believe that I can heal myself of this disability at this time. Again, hopefully, I'll get there soon.
So, I've thought about it and I really do want my application for disability to be approved. I also want healing and health (physical and emotional/mental/spiritual) and I want to go back to work. But, given my beliefs right now, healing will be a process, not a quantum leap thing. In the meantime, I need the financial benefits (both money and insurance) that come with disability. And the respect for my illness (with my mother, for example) that might come with it. The reality is that I just may not be ready for healing, but I need some financial cushioning anyway. Wayne Dyer -- or was it Richard Bach, I never can remember which -- said, "Argue for your limitations and they're yours." I'm aware that I'm arguing for a limitation, so it's taken a lot of thought -- both before my application and since -- to reach the point I'm at now. I'm ready to actively work to bring about a positive response to my application. I'm ready to do manifesting work, whatever that might be. I've written a friend with more manifestation experience than have and asked her to help me with this process.
Then I got home. John was gone to school for the National Guard, and I guess I needed him more than I realized. Anyway, I kind of...ummm, fell apart. Of course, I'm also still dealing with the loss of my father in February. The stress of the combined losses was more than I could deal with. So, I had one of my bipolar moments. I went off my meds and got a little crazy. Suicidal thoughts and morbid ideations about my precious little kitties. I wasn't seeing my therapist or my psychiatrist, the two people who were most qualified to help me. I totally isolated myself from the people who care about me. It was a pretty rough time.
I couldn't leave the house, yet I couldn't stay at home in this empty apartment. I would sit for hours at a time at Barnes & Noble, trying to read but not having the concentration to get into anything. I would sometimes take my tarot cards and study them, and that seemed to work for me. I would panic, literally, whenever anyone looked as though they were going to approach me for conversation. Then, I'd eventually come home and panic again. There is a spot on the street I live on that causes me to panic, even still. I don't identify that spot as scary; there is nothing particularly ominous about the houses on my street. Back then, my panic had to do with my babies, our cats. I would have these very vivid pictures of what had happened to Frankie, B'Orange and Nana while I was gone. It's irrational, I know -- I knew it then, on one level -- but I would stand there with my key in the door, not turning it. I was too scared to go in the house, so I'd stand there for several moments with these vivid pictures going through my mind. My fear was that someone had broken into our apartment and violently killed our cats while I was gone. Not stole our stereo, no concern about that. No concern about the computers that sit in our office. Just fear about the cats.
As I say, things are much better now. I'm still sleeping much more than I usually do, and I'm taking my meds sporatically. But much better than I was before. This last episode was a real wake-up call for me. Had I been working, I would have no-doubt lost my job. It's hard to work when you don't have the energy to get out of bed. It's hard to work when you can't leave the house or interact with people. So, I've decided to apply for Social Security Disability. It was a very hard decision for me to make. It feels as though I'm giving in to this disease and letting it win. But it's obvious to me that I couldn't have worked through this last episode. And it's my understanding that this disorder usually gets progressively worse, not better.
So, how do I reconcile Law of Attraction and an application for disability? I'm not sure. A lot of people will probably say that I'm limiting the Universe by stating how money should come to me. But you know, I can only intend for what I believe can come to me. Maybe some people can believe that they can be in my position and attract an income without working or without being on disability. I'm just not there yet; I hope to get there some day. And maybe some people can believe that they can manifest healing in their lives so that they could go back to work. Again, I'm just not there yet. I just don't believe that I can heal myself of this disability at this time. Again, hopefully, I'll get there soon.
So, I've thought about it and I really do want my application for disability to be approved. I also want healing and health (physical and emotional/mental/spiritual) and I want to go back to work. But, given my beliefs right now, healing will be a process, not a quantum leap thing. In the meantime, I need the financial benefits (both money and insurance) that come with disability. And the respect for my illness (with my mother, for example) that might come with it. The reality is that I just may not be ready for healing, but I need some financial cushioning anyway. Wayne Dyer -- or was it Richard Bach, I never can remember which -- said, "Argue for your limitations and they're yours." I'm aware that I'm arguing for a limitation, so it's taken a lot of thought -- both before my application and since -- to reach the point I'm at now. I'm ready to actively work to bring about a positive response to my application. I'm ready to do manifesting work, whatever that might be. I've written a friend with more manifestation experience than have and asked her to help me with this process.
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