Why I'm Not In Television

To be in television, you need a concept. How about 'MacGyver doing cooking'? MacGyver, if you remember, was a show in which the hero got out of life-threatening situations by using whatever was at hand - making a bomb de-fuser out of a pocket comb, a broken casette player, and thirty-five cents, for instance. (Never mind that they already have this and it's called 'Iron Chef') "You have all the ingredients needed to make a cake and . . . an octopus! Go!"

You work for a while, and the result, of course, is Octopus Cake. Which is fine (for someone else) until you discover that some dumbass somewhere really eats Octopus Cake. Then you have to apologize. And probably, you've offended his (ridiculous) Octopus Cake -eating culture, so you'd have to go to Octopus Cake Sensitivity Training.

Octopus Cake Sensitivity Training? WTF?

THAT'S why I'm not in television.