01 October 2008

The Big Draw!

The Big Draw begins today and I have to decide whether or not to participate. For some people, the decision would be easy -- Either do it or not. For me, the decision is full of angst and uncertainty. I don't draw. I mean, I really don't draw. Even my stick figures are awkward! I'm taking SuziBlu's course, so you'd think I'd be drawing some, but no, actually, I'm not. I'm way behind! It's not that I don't enjoy drawing -- once I get into it, I usually do enjoy myself. But I am full of fear and trepidation to start. "It's drawing, it's not brain surgery," I tell myself. But I'm full of doubt and longing when it comes to putting pencil to paper. 

Yep, doubt and longing. I'm very uncertain about my abilities in drawing. I've drawn a decent left hand a couple of times, but I totally amazed myself by doing it. It was an other-worldly experience, to turn out something that I didn't know I was capable of. And to do it twice! LOL! But I have no consistency.

The style of art I enjoy the most calls for drawing. It's the art of Kelly Rae Roberts and SuziBlu. I like the collaged, shabby backgrounds with a hand-painted (draw first) person on it. I feel like by not drawing, I'm holding myself back from experimenting with a type of art that I really enjoy. More to the point, I feel like I'm holding myself back as an artist. Because I don't draw, I don't paint very much, and I love to paint! I love the feeling of the brush in my hand and to watch something transform from a plain blank substrate to a finished product. I love to watch -- and participate in -- the emergence. I love smooshing colors around. But I'm almost as afraid of painting as I am of drawing, because it's based on the same idea -- to capture what I see on paper. That, for some reason, scares the hell out of me!

So, what am I really afraid of? That's a question that I ask myself a lot lately, especially about my art. I long to create like an eight-year old: with utter abandon and love of the process. Some days, I'm pretty good at that, too. But it's because I've carved out an artistic comfort zone, and I stay well within its boundaries. So, what am I really afraid of? Good question ... I'm afraid of not being good enough, of wanting something so badly and then finding out that I don't have the talent to bring it into fruition. Sometimes it's definitely easier to just dream.

For me, drawing is all wrapped up in a bunch of childhood crap. My brother, Richard, is a gifted artist. He can draw anything, even without having a model in front of him to draw from. As a teenager, he was praised and given art lessons, while I was told not to color on the walls. Somehow, I got the message that because I wasn't drawing at the level that he was drawing at, I had no business drawing at all ... Oddly enough, I'm the artist now, and he works at an oil-refinery. 

So, back to the original question ... Do I participate in The Big Draw, or not? Part of me remembers that I'm fairly busy this month and that to take on one more project may not be the best thing to do. Another part of me knows how good for me this experience could be. Maybe it would finally free up my drawing muscles once-and-for-all, or at least loosen them up a bit. I just want to draw and paint pretty girls like Zorana does.

I just don't know ...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Draw! Definately draw! Don't worry if it is good or bad. You may find yourself surprised. To draw well doesn't always mean the most representational - go out and look at all the different types of drawing styles out there. Some of the simplest that you would never have thought as drawing - are just that.

And sometimes you need to work past your fears. Oh my, do I know about all that.